Russian man is at work alone. Copy machine begins making copies. Man did not make copies. He goes to look. Copies show him dead at desk.
He curses bad Swedish machines. Shoots copier, and begins making all copies by hand.
Such is life in Moscow.
Vladimir Stalvernisky waited. Oil lamps above head blinked and sparked out of air. Capitalist pigs were in base. He did not see them, but they were there. Capitalist pigs should be expected everywhere. Warnings to KGB officer Josonsky not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Vladimir was Kosmonaut soldier for fourteen years. When small, he watched rockets and said to father “Comrade father, I want to be on rockets.”
Comrade father say, “NYET! You will be kill by Capitalist pig-dogs!”
He believed him when small. Then older Vladimir stopped. But now in glorious Mir space station base he knew were Capitalists.
“Josonsky here”, phone line crackered. “Kill Capitalist pigs!”
Vladimir get palsma rifle and blow up wall section.
“He kill us all!” Capitalist pigs shout.
“I kill him!” Cybercapitalist pig say and fire rocket. Vladimir plasma him and try kill him. Then ceiling section implode and trap them so they could not kill.
“NYET!!!! Must kill Capitalist pigs!” he shouted.
Radio say, “Nyet, Vladimir. You are the Capitalist pigs.”
And then Vladimir was a Fascist.
Then Glorious Motherland fire nuclear missile to Mir space station. This is how Soviet Union deal with capitalist pigs and fascist dogs.
Vladimir was reaching for towel when he saw it. Something in mirror, darting out of his line of vision. He stared at mirror for a while, trying to work out what he’d seen, drinking vodka from bottle in meantime. There was nothing but reflection. He beginning to dry himself, and he saw it again. Flickering out the corner of his eye, something in mirror! He stepped out of the shower and towards the mirror.
Vladimir’s wife, Tatyana, arrive home later that evening, but Vladimir is nowhere to be found. After searching shack, all she could find of him was towel lying on floor. Tatyana phone KGB like good Soviet woman.
KGB inform Tatyana that Vladimir saw gypsy in mirror, and that Vladimir give chase like strong comrade should. Glorious Communist State give Vladimir award for catching gypsy; two bottles of vodka.
Two days after gypsy-catching, Tayana disappeared from face of Earth. Unfaithful capitalist whore executed for wasting valuable KGB time.
Such is life in Moscow.
You are being awake due to some noise in distance. You taking sip of vodka. You looking trough hole in roof, it seeming to be midnight. You hearing noise again. Someone being knocking at door, which being very weird since door being use for timber last week. “There is being no reason to being afraid” you telling yourself, you are being strong soviet man. But you are being unable to imagining any reason a comrade will be up this late, since it would affect his working performance next morning. You quietly being walking over to the hole where door used to have being.
“Hello?”
“Flap flap flap”, is the sound coming from cloth over door hole.
“H-hello? Are you being home comrade?”
“Flap flap flap”
“I… Please be being home comrade… Hello?”
Woman being mumbling something.
“I being needing your help comrade!”
“Flap flap flap”
You recognizing her voice and looking out the window. It being girl from nearest farm. She is wearing potato sack and shining pendant around her neck. She is seeing you.
“Oh!”
She is looking afraid at first, and then she is putting a worried smile.
“I.. am being in need of using your phone”, she is saying? “I needing to come in.”
You becoming suspicious since you having only once seeing a phone in your life.
She pausing.
“…I thinking someone is being inside my shed”
You are pausing for a moment and looking at puny fear on her face.
When you are taking cloth away from door hole, it slowly dawning on you…
Whoever it is, it isn’t being inside her shed, and she is not being wearing a shining pendant. He is being behind her. It is invading American agent intent on taking over Mother Russia. You being strong soviet man instantly kill American Capitalist Pig. Next day you denouncing woman for helping American agent in trying to take over Mother Russia. Woman being sent to gulag.
Such is life in Moscow.
One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.
Item #: SCP-173
Object class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-173 is to be kept in shed behind farm. Three strong communist men must drink liter of vodka before enter. Two must stare at item, one must continue drink vodka.
Description: Moved to shed after wooden pen freeze and break during cold Soviet winter. Shed is also wood, but with paint sometimes. SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye. No one blink, on punishment of beating with cold leather. Object enjoy snap neck, like American commando pig. If object allowed to move, all will be sent to cold Siberia for reeducation.
Personnel report sound of stone scraping when creature is alone. This is dutiful Russian work ethic. If sound stops, subject to be beaten with iron rods, like child.
Floor is covered in sweat and blood, like normal Soviet household. Shed must be cleaned every two weeks. Kept much cleaner than most Soviet household.
Such is life in Moscow.
Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says “Comrades can lick too.” She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
Such is life in Moscow.
Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.
People lied.
Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.
It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.
Such is life for gypsy in Moscow.
And no amount of running will save you.
Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker’s bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!
Such is life in Moscow.
Legend is being going like this.
You entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky”, several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.
Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom the party as proven never existed
Such is life in Moscow.
